Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
