I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize