apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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