So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
