you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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