he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
