Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
