when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
