you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My vagina is very pro this idea
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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