I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
