Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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