My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it's not cheating when I paid for it
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
