I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
