i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
