the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize