I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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