i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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