You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
