he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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