What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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