I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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