i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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