It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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