i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
