The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
