i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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