You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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