i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
