oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
