Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
