The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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