I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
