I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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