my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
