Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
