Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
