I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
porn star boner night. come get it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
