all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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