Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
