remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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