Already got asked if we're dating
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
