And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sext me about skeletons
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The air taste purple.
Randomize
