Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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