i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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