My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
