Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
