god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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