let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
