I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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