I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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