I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
