somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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