Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
how drunk are you?
Several
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
