Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
