and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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