Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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