ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
