omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
