I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
