I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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