$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
