1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize