Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize