Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
cat food counts as protein by the way
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
